By Kara Lee
Life’s little problems used to end at death—but not anymore. Now that brain uploading has solved the pesky problem formerly known as mortality, you need to start planning for IMmortality. You need Afterlife Insurance from Eternity Limited!
Our experts work day and night to keep you and your data safe in the virtual cloud. What if a network attack turns your avatar’s sexy splines into tentacular tangles? We cover treatment for most avatar viruses. What if your perfect virtual family program suddenly turns on you? We offer a Revert To Last Saved Version backup plan, so you can protect the things that love you most. What if you go crazy from the prospect of facing an eternity without the ability to self-terminate? We will upgrade your happiness enhancement algorithms, free!
Terms and restrictions apply. Not valid in prohibited areas. Two-hundred-year minimum contract. Annual deductible limit. We are not responsible for server or criminal fees incited in connection with trolling, flaming, spamming, or other felonies. Pre-existing conditions not covered under avatar treatment plans. Legal definition of “eternity” subject to revision. We reserve the rights to all metadata generated by you or your upload for purposes including but not limited to broadcasting and promotional purposes in any and all media forms whether now existing or hereafter devised, in perpetuity, throughout the universe. We only guarantee the preservation of your consciousness, not your soul. However, should your soul be transferred onto our servers, we reserve the right to transfer it to third parties, including but not limited to deities or sufficiently advanced aliens.
Eternity Limited: we make the ever after … HAPPILY ever after!